Sweet and Bitter Feelings
It’s been so long since I opened this blog. Many things are happening to me that I can’t focus on my blog anymore. But I have another reason why I opened this blog again. I have free time and I feel sad.
This last Thursday was our JS prom. I was happy but I was also sad. I danced with my guy friends, and I partied with my group - yes, I have a group - but I didn’t even have a chance to dance with him. Even if I had the chance, it would always slip away from my grasp since someone or that he would ask another girl. I wasn’t devastated but I was near to crying since I just moved on from my previous like - notice I said like not love - and I was really expecting to dance with him even if it was just one song. But no, I wasn’t able to. And it was bad enough to see him dance with other girls but I didn’t expect that he would actually pick my classmate to be his last dance. Or maybe, I already predicted it because I was listening to my classmate talking about who would be her last dance.
Still, it broke me to know that. Maybe I was just being selfish but I can’t help myself. I was able to move on from my first one because I knew that I had no chance with him since he loves another woman and I know who it is. I can’t be compared to her since she was a beauty (meaning she was a candidate for our school’s pageant) and I’m nothing compared to her, she’s tall and I’m not, she’s bright maybe even brighter than me. But this second one, I was hoping that I could have a chance with him but I guess not. He’s tall and maybe, just maybe I really am not suited to with tall people since I’m just 5 ft. tall.
What have I done to deserve this bittersweet feelings? It’s so sweet to see him every class days but I might as well be just an acquaintance to him and not a friend. But that sweet taste is also bitter because I always see him flirt with other girls. He’s the school’s new and handsome kid. I’m afraid to lose him and keep out of touch when graduation approaches. I only have a month time. I didn’t know that such a simple crush could affect me so much or maybe it’s just me thinking that way, after all, all I could do is dream, right?
What would have happened?
What would have happened if I didn’t become a part of this family? Would I still be the same person as I was before I came to this life?
Every time I checked my facebook or read secrets of others in a site, I felt devastated. Why? It’s because they make me feel hopeless and irresponsible. And I can’t help thinking why is it that I feel so special and at the same time I’m not really especial. Why? Why did you make me like this?
(Source: yourheartshallsoonbemine, via outori)
Reminisce the old times
These past few days had been hard for me. I don’t know what to do and I just can’t seem to do the right thing. Id been lazying around and my grades were being affected but I don’t think that was the case since I really study hard and things were not like before.
Even if I read the topic over and over again, my mind can’t just process all of them. And to top it all that, I only have forty-four days before I leave the school grounds. And it pains me to think that. The date is set and I just need to continue working hard, for this will be the last time that I could try my very best in my studies. I want to treasure the remaining days I have with my friends.
I remember the times when we would eat during Geometry class and how I got disciplinary act because of helping someone when they were having a quiz and I didn’t know that it was, well, a quiz. And also there was this last time when we went to our school’s main branch because it was a cantata and when we were running, I tripped. I had a few cuts on my knee and elbow, then I scratched my right (or left?) hip. Before that happen though, we got lost (me and my two classmates). Good times, good times.
There were so many things that happened to me. And out of those things, I love the most when we did silly things, when we made our Geometry teacher cry, when we had picnics inside our classroom everyday, when we play games when it was free time (since there was no teacher), when we would do group works, and of course, the times when we were always a team when it came to exams or quizzes. Yes, we cheated (sometimes), but who are you to judge us? It’s a part of high school life.
Just as they say, high school is the most fun part of your life, so treasure it. I really miss those times.
~Hime
Hurt
Why is it that every time I would like to do something, I just can’t do it. There’s something missing, something that I can’t describe, something that even if I search it everywhere I wouldn’t be able to find it.
Why is it that every time I would write something in my notebook, negative energy keeps flowing in me. I don’t know what to do! Please tell me! I’m confused, sad, and I feel alone. Please, please help me! I can’t take it anymore!
The Feeling
Do you get the feeling of being abandoned and yet, you’re not really abandoned? Sometimes I feel like that. I feel abandoned, hated by the world, by my mom and yet, when I think about it, I must have misjudged them.
But who knows? Maybe if I were not born or that my parents were different, maybe I really would be abandoned right now. I wonder what would be my life if my parents were different. Would it be easier? Would I be rich?
Guess not… I really should stop right here. Bye now.
The tears that won’t stop flowing.
You know, it’s a secret between me and the night. Every night (if possible) I’ll cry my heart out. Let the tears flow by themselves, let them travel and let myself be free. But the freedom I seek is not easy to get. Lots of hard works, pains, and sorrowful days, all those things, I have to endure them.
But just this yesterday, my world started crumbling again. And my tears had freed themselves (again). It was always like that. They always free themselves at the wrong time. And even if I was done doing some things, they won’t stop. It had been days or months since I did that. I wouldn’t call that crying but they’re always like that.
I just wish that they would stop flowing, even for once.
Bittersweet Lies
I made this poem just this April…Hope you like it…
Bittersweet Lies
For I devote my whole life to you
For I give you my entirety
For I cherished the times we spent together
For I promise to be yours only.
-
You broke me, my heart, and soul
You loved me but only for a reason
You promised to be mine and mine alone
You told me those sweet and calming lies.
-
All those lies that kept me from this world
All those lies that gives me courage to continue living
But those were just bittersweet lies made by you
that left me shattered to pieces.
-Melancholic Princess-
What’s up with the things about these parents?
I was eating my second-round dinner earlier and I kind of asked my little cousin to get me some water and you know what my mother said? “You really don’t know how to say please.” And then she ranted on something like what she said before…something like I could have said it if my tone is a little softer and not rough…but I said it just fine!
I so wanted to say it to her face! I know that I’m really ranting about some things that’re a little rude but I don’t care! I had enough of the sermons! I hear them every freaking day! I memorized all the words they say!
I had enough of all of this! I just wanted them to know that I always do what they say but they always misunderstand me. They always think that I’m fine and all but I’m not really fine! They always tell me things like I’m smart but in reality I’m just not, I don’t think I’m smart ‘cause if I don’t study then I’m nothing! I’m nothing but a piece of crap!
All for once I want to cry because of all these things but I think it’s wrong. I have to stay strong. I have to do my very best to achieve my dreams.
I’m sorry if I rant things like this. :(
~Meii
Dreams that won’t come true
First, I want to say that whatever I’m posting here is also what I post in my other blog. If you want to visit it, then visit it.
I know I’m still lonely and my loneliness is killing me. I just wanted to have a normal life by myself, a normal job -even if I’m still a student-, I’ve always wanted to travel around the world. I want to see beautiful things that are hidden beneath the heart of the earth. I want to go on a journey.
Why can’t I just have what I wanted? If only I were rich but I’m not. I wish to be rich so I could pursue my dreams. I want to have my own house, my own family and my own library.
There were times when my mother would get angry at me for no reason, she would always blame me, telling me that I’m always causing trouble or something like that. I just wanted to have my own freedom. I’m already a big girl and all I wanted is to bond with my friends. They were so tight to me but when it comes to my little sister, they always give her a chance. I’m always the one at fault, the one who always cause trouble, the one who likes to hang out and all.
I’m kind of desperate but I don’t care! I just wanted to travel around the world or go some place where I could find peace. Is that really hard to understand?
I have a crush on my former classmate but I think the feeling is starting to fade away. I’m having difficulty on breathing, literally, and I don’t know why. The pain is worsening but I still live. I don’t wish to die, I never even tried to cut or smoke. I don’t have a habit except tapping my finger when I’m running out of patience. I never grew up. I’ll always be an inch smaller. My weight doesn’t change even after two years. I wanted to have my own life, to live by my own rules, to fetch my dream, and to become a successful writer. All I wanted is to be a writer, a romance writer that specializes in the category angst.
I’m running out of time. I must decide which university I should go to. I already chose a course but I’m not yet ready to face the gate to beginning. I still want to enjoy my life as a high school student and if I still can’t choose a school, I have to study abroad and repeat my year. But I’m determined to be a writer.
At least, I want that dream to come true.
~Meii